The days and weeks leading up to today had been good, i was always up before my alarm, i was active and productive at work, i hung out with friends, i even went on a date with someone new and everything was okay. I had forgotten about him or so i thought until today. Today i woke up different, i could feel it from the moment i opened my eyes.
My room is poorly lit by the morning sun coming up so i know it’s only a matter of time before i have to get up. I lay on my bed, as i feel the heaviness creeping in, accompanied with that sick feeling where you can actually feel the pain in your chest from recalling something painful, the ache reappears like it happened yesterday. It’s been five months i thought i was over it, but i was wrong because today I’m plagued with the awful memory of that day, the day of the breakup, back to five months ago.
I don't care to check how long I've been staring at my ceiling and sobbing. I sit up now, and wipe my eyes dry with the edge of my blanket. I pick up my phone, i squint my eyes immediately at the sudden brightness as i struggle to get my glasses from beside my bed. I put it on and look at my phone again, that's when i see the date and day and i figure out it's the weekend so i get to stay at home, i heave a sigh of relief because i don't know how i would have pulled through the day at work feeling this way.
I’m on my phone now scrolling through my apps, replying texts and checking tweets. that’s when i stumbled upon a particular tweet that caught my attention, "have you really healed or you just isolated yourself " and that’s when realization hits me, i drag my hand through my hair and exhale a deep shaky breath.
I stare at the tweet for minutes, thoughts running through my mind as i’ll later comprehend that i wasn’t really healing, i was isolating and distracting myself from the pain instead of feeling it, i spent my days masking the pain and running away from it by being busy and invested in work when i should have acknowledged the pains,felt the emotions and embraced the process. That’s why today it feels like i’m back in that hole.
"You can’t heal what you don’t let yourself feel"
I’d like to think we do not fully heal, we either try to live with it or try to forget. We tend to put too much pressure on ourselves to heal quickly but in reality healing takes time. It’s a process
"If you really loved someone it’s going to take a while for you to get over them, it’s not easy to move on from someone you shared most of your time and moments with. if they mattered to you once they’ll always matter to you a little bit."
So i just sit there and i let the memories flood my mind, i think back and i try to feel everything again. I think about the disconnection, i can still recall how it was hard to accept that everything was over, and how i sought for closure which i never got. I reflect on the good times too and i smile. I'm overwhelmed with emotions now but i don't push it away or run from it, instead i embrace it. I let my emotions have their way with me as the tears flow. And i know within me that this moment is the first big step to my actual healing journey.
You may be oblivious to the fact that you’re healing nicely, you become aware when you can finally talk about the situation and it’s not coming from a place of hurt or anger, when familiar or random things no longer trigger and awaken the painful memories, when the triggers are getting diminished and when you take a trip down memory lane and you do not feel hurt reminiscing about them.
Triggers are not uncommon when healing, you may get triggered recurrently or not. Because you think you’re over and done with, then you get triggered and you’re back there again but it’s a part of the process you should trust. It’s also beneficial in your healing journey to engage in hobbies, activities that you love and makes you genuinely happy.
"above all, remember to be kind to yourself"
