The past months has been filled with mixed feelings, I focused on writing articles on other topics and not a personal article because i felt like i would over share if i tried it but i decided to just do it ( yeah like the brand Nike). I’ve seen people call it personal blog or newsletter maybe. I’m just going to divulge into recent updates of my life today (I’ve always wanted to use this word "divulge"). This has been in my drafts for a little while so I’m choosing to share it today.
These past years, okay let me be specific. 2020 i met a boy who later turned out to be my very good friend, and then 2021/2022 i met another boy. I know you're already wondering where this is going but stay with me. I had moments where i didn't feel proud of how i handled certain disagreements with these people. Just to be clear, they are not the only ones I've had arguments with, I'm talking about them because i had more arguments with them than any other person in my life these past years. Let's call my 2020 friend Pumba and call the other guy Barney. Looking back now i feel remorseful anytime i think about it and I'm glad I apologized, if it was accepted or not i don't really know.
After some honest self reflections, i realized some things i did were not so kind. And incase you’re already wondering if it’s something terrible, it isn’t. I’ve always had a problem expressing myself politely whenever i get upset, i become overwhelmed and i tend to be really rude and say disrespectful or hurtful things i do not mean but then the people i say these words to do not take it in a good way. Believe it or not i always feel bad after i realize these things but like they say "the damage has been done".
During some of these arguments, i was told i dodged accountability, and i don’t really think i did that and I’ll explain. I have a thing where i have to explain myself in a thorough manner before apologizing, in doing so I’ve been told I’m either being defensive or I’m dodging accountability and that’s not true. If explaining myself means I’m dodging accountability, i feel like if i immediately apologize they may think I’m guilty of whatever I’m apologizing for, that’s why i always explain but i found a way around it. Apologize first then explain later, that way everything is balanced i believe. And i was called a manipulator and very weird because it came from the same guy who i would also call a manipulator so i guess "twins?". I’m kidding, i don’t know why he said that but I’m not going to talk too much about him or that.
I'm an over thinker and i guess that played a role in some misunderstandings, also as someone who always loves to address things and people seeing it as you "always starting something" it can be really triggering and annoying. Some days all i wanted was to talk things out and being told i was starting an argument triggered me and led to the argument happening. I know how it can get when you don't get things off your chest or not saying anything because you don't want to end up being tagged as "sensitive" sometimes. An uncomfortable conversation doesn't mean it's an argument. I still think about events that happened in the past, like wishing i could have handled some situations differently but I'm grateful for how I'm growing and learning everyday.
Now I'm not saying these people were innocent either but it's not my responsibility to make them accountable, this is about me but they were also guilty sometimes or most times i know. I'm healing nicely, i decided not to have anything to do with Love this year and so far I've been intentional about it except i reconnected with this one guy and we had a date in January, it was one of my best dates. But we had a discussion and settled for being friends, we still talk but nothing romantic anymore. I promised myself to never ignore anything that made me uncomfortable in the beginning so i don't end up hurting myself in the long run and that's exactly what happened so yeah I'm back to standing on business for the year.
And as for Pumba well I'm learning to reciprocate his energy too, we're still good friends, we talk everyday but I'm tired of talking and trying to address an issue and the other person thinks you're doing too much or lacks emotional intelligence to see how their actions are hurting you intentionally or not. Have i spoken to him about it? yes, has he changed? no. So I'm just going to rest. For Barney, we're still friends i guess but yeah that's all there is to him.
I'm a little scared about this whole change thing because I'm thinking, what if i meet someone who tries to manipulate me and i don't see it because I'm scared i don't want to make a mistake like addressing it and saying I'm starting an argument, or i try to be understanding and apologize while I'm being gaslit because i do not want to look like the person i was before. I know it won't happen though, just because I'm trying to be a better person doesn't mean I'll be ignorant. Fingers crossed, the universe aligns with me and brings someone who'll complement the new me and not take advantage of it so i don't have to do too much mental gymnastics.
I’m pleased I’m learning to take accountability, going through a stage of self reflection and learning to address things from a clear point of view. It’s not going to happen overnight but I’m intentional about it happening because I’m trying to be better for myself and not hurt people around me, plus i do not want to carry past traumas into something new.
When you hold yourself accountable, you’re not doing it because of them. You’re doing it for you (I sound like Mr Richard in Layi Wasabi’s skits😂).
Sometimes i miss the drama, you know the little drama for the plot, yeah i miss that. Some people say most women lack accountability but i don't think that's true, i think we know how to hold ourselves accountable we just don't let y'all know about it. For me i know it's okay to admit your wrongs, it's okay to self reflect and it's okay to hold yourself accountable and try to be better.
Extra snippets of Chloë:
I am enjoying 2024 so far, i finished my clearance from school finally and whew! i prayed for this day. I'm getting ready for NYSC, I've been hearing so many crazy gists about NYSC and frankly I'm anxious but i trust my God so I'm good. I had an emotional meltdown a day after Valentine's day because as usual i went to address something with someone (I was warned by the voice in my head) and looking back now it's funny and I'm glad i can laugh about it. I started something new and it's my first time, I'm excited to see how it goes in 3 months time, overall i think I'm good 😊.
